Things I don't understand about Humans - By Sebby & Willow

Yes they are!

You can say that again!

Yes they are!
(Human, Sebby, Willow)


In the car with Human
- Yells at other cars 
Seriously, they can't freaking hear you!
Does it make you feel better?
The other day I was with Human and someone forgot to move into the turning lane.
So Human says 'Move over dumbass!"
Car is in front of us... car can't hear us... 
Did the car move?
Well it never used the turning lane..
Human  said when driving past 'Ur an idiot!"
Interesting since Human was the one talking to a car that can't hear it.
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I remember being in the car and we were looking for a certain place..
We get close to where it is, and Human turns down the music to read the numbers on the houses better!
Does that help?
Apparently. 
Do humans see with their ears?
I think they are just dumb and can't concentrate on two things at once. 
Highly possible.
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So I am trying to talk to Human as we are on the way to what I am sure is hell.
Trying to inform of what I believe to be my impending doom.
I try talking.. and what does Human do?
Copy me!
I am clearly in distress and this creature thinks that meowing back at me is going to freaking help!
I wonder if they realize how stupid they sound. 
I mean they are basically saying "hey, hey, hey, hey" over and over.. and the pronunciation is all wrong.
How annoying! 
They should just shut up.
Yet they never do...
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Food

So the other day Human was eating what I can only assume to be gold or some other precious material that could not be shared. 
Was it cake? They seem to really like cake ..those humans...
It wasn't cake.
Was it beer ? Human never shares that. 
No, it wasn't beer.
It was gold.. it had to be, or diamonds. That is the only explanation.
Anyways, as always I was preforming my right to inspect every item that Human consumes. 
For safety reasons..
Of course..
Human would not let me!
Silly Human.
Seriously!
So what happened?
Well I was not about to skirt my duties, so I went in for a closer look.
And?
Hot.. 
Hot?
Hot gold!
Luckily I only got a bit on my paw!
So everything was fine.
Human started dancing so I must have done good.

It was hot soup you moron!
You spilled in on me and I wasn't dancing!
It was hot!

Whatever, it tasted weird anyways.
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Speaking of food, I still do not understand why Human puts those tiny treats in a bag in the fridge?
You mean those weird shaped ones that are kinda shaped like a cup and taste like chicken?
Yeah those ones! 
They are our treats, we have the right to eat them. 
Agreed. 
So I saw them the other day. Out on the counter. 
I must have missed that. 
You were sleeping. 
I inspected them, they seemed safe. 
I had to chew through the bag to get them. 
They needed to be tested.
Totally understand. 
They were actually not all that good compared to the other treats. 
No?
No, they were kinda gummy.
So what did you do?
The only thing I could do. I ate them all. 
For safety reasons
Understood. You had to do it. 
It's a good thing I did. 
Why?
They must have been poison. 
REALLY?
Yes, I puked them all back up! My superior interior rejected them.
You are a hero.


Hero my ass!
Those were pill pockets, they are like $9.00 a bag and you are only meant to have a small piece of one with medications.. maybe a full one or two at max!
Now I have none left because you ate them then yarfed them back up!
You can explain to the kittens why I am shoving the pill down their throat instead of allowing them to swallow a tasty pill pocket.

I keep them in the fridge so you tiny dumbasses don't steal them!

Well you failed.
Obviously.

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Sleep

How long have we lived with the Human, like 500 years or something?
At least!
Okay so I still do not understand their sleeping habits. 
Me neither, how can they sleep like 8 hours at a time.. then stay awake for the rest of the day?? 
Why don't they just sleep for 20 minutes then be up for 20 then sleep for 30 then up for 40 then sleep for ..well you get the idea.
I do, they don't.
I have been trying very hard to help Human with this, but I have been faced with many obstacles.
You mean doors?
Well yes, and other things. 
At first Human would keep the door open.. which solved that issue. Then I would get to work - this was hard on me as well! I could not follow my normal pattern because I had to wake up the Human 7 times a night!
It was rather taxing. 
No doubt! 
I tried but you are better at waking Human. 
Well you have to find the awake button, Humans is the eyes. 
Though if that fails there is always walking on the hair or meowing in the face. 
All of which work, but they do not have a continuous effect. 
I am still working on that.
The new guy, well not new.. he is old but the guy in Humans room.. he is doing a fantastic job.
He really is. I have to commend him for that. 
He has managed to get Human on a better sleep schedule - Up 4 times a night. Each time for at least 30 minutes. 
How does he do it?
He does really well with the pitiful help me kitty scenario.
It is basic really, he just does all of the things I would do.. but he has established the role of the weak sick kitty that must be attended to.
Is he still sick?
Not for at least 3 weeks. 
Wow, he is good!
We talked the other day, through the door and I mentioned to him that Human had been napping on the couch from time to time. 
He asked me to stop that. 
I outsourced.
Cubby?
Yup. He owes me. 
So what happens when Rocky returns to the other home?
I am not sure, I think he has a few tricks up his sleeve to maintain residence here for awhile longer. 
He looks like such a sweet guy...who knew he was so sneaky? 
He is just looking out for Human, says Human saved his life when he was a baby.
That is one stand up kitty!  

WTF??
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Litter Box 

I have always wondered what happens to our ..you know.. poop?
What do you mean? Like where does it go?
I know Human takes it.. but where does it go? 
Are there locations that store our poop?
Like what? Poop storage lockers?
Well, yeah kinda like that. 
I have no idea. I try not to think too much about what Human does with all of that stuff.
What if Human is collecting it??? What if.. no I can not think that way.. that is just disturbing.
That really is.  Human is weird and all... but I can not see that happening. 
I have never seen it be transferred to the car. 
It is always placed in one of the bins outside. 
Then those trucks come and get the bins!! They are collecting it!! Maybe they pay Human!!
We should do our part. 
Way ahead of you..I visit the litter box a few times a day.. so I guess I work for Human?
 I will visit when Human is cleaning.. right after Human finishes.. just to assure Human that there will be a continuous supply . 
That is very thoughtful of you. 
I try to be of service. 
You are a devoted meow.

You are both ridiculous.