If I had a Million Dollars ( not the song )

Human - I highlighted the links like this

Sergeant

Charlie
 












Zulu
 












Tango













Cubby

Sebby








 





Hey Sergeant.

Hey Human.

What would you buy with a million dollars? 

A million boxes

Idiot

Sebby that's not nice! 

What? The kid would buy boxes.. A million of them. Ridiculous
. 

Why would you buy boxes Sergeant ? 

To ship Sebby to Narnia!

Ha! 

I'll ship you! 

Okay children behave!

What about you Charlie?

Umm my own place, cuz I don't have one.. Cuz I am a foster kitty. 

Awee

You don't love me. 

Not true!

Then why don't you keep me? 

Because you are an adoptable kitten who needs his own family. 

What about Sebby! Hes adoptable! 

I'm fantastic actually. 

I adopted Sebby years ago. Before I started fostering for this rescue. 

Besides, Sebby is kind of a jerk. 

You take that back! 

You stop pooping on the basement floor, stop attacking Cubby, stop scratching the furniture and teaching the fosters bad things! 

Never! 

Okay, I can understand Sebby. Willow is adoptable. 

True, she is a doll... But I adopted her prior to fostering for this rescue as well. 

Oh. 

Don't be sad Charlie. We will find you a great home. 

I would prefer a million dollars. 

Zulu, your turn. 

Bat Mobile.

Why?

Cuz i'm Batman.

You are not batman.

Prove it. 

Hey let go! Stop that! 

Let go of my tail!!

No. 

Why are you doing that! Stop holding my tail!! Stooooooop it!

Say it. 

Uncle! 

No, say it. 

Fine. I'm not batman. 

Dream killer. 

Still want the bat mobile? 

Yes, I would very much like to run over your foot. 

Not nice.

Tango?

What.

What about you? 

What about me what? 

What would you do with a million dollars? 

I would take half, invest it in catnip and save the other half for my future family... 

Thats sweet. 

To bribe them.

What about you Human? 

Me? Well I would pay back student loans. 

Boring.

Then I would buy a place I can convert into a cat boarding facility/ foster home. 

And the play rooms would look like this!!

 kick ass cat stuff! 

Omg! 

Whoa!

Gimmie!!

Paradise.

Give the human the money. 

Pretty cool eh? 

People can do this on a smaller scale as well. Check this out.

Cat play room ideas 

Okay.. Well look at this!

 Crazy play rooms!

Ya, and look at this! 


                              

I'm Batman
 See totally could have bought it !

 Fine, you're Batman

 

Ahem.. Snort cough meow

What? 

You never asked me. 

Sorry Sebby. What would you do.

Well first I would carpet the entire house! Then buy a plethora of tiny animals. Then I would pay people to take the foster kitties and Cubby. 

Ass.

Then I would build a fort and buy a castle. 

A castle?

Ya, see!.  
  It's where the kitties shop..says so on the site.
 

Neat! 

Yes... Then I would give you the rest human because I love you. 

Aweeee

Kiss ass. 

Kiss mine.

Well I guess that's the end of this post. 

In.. on the outside

                                                                                                                      
                                                                                                                         Human
                                                                                                                         Sebby
.............................................................
What does that even mean?

What does what mean?

The title.. In on the outside. 

Oh, well I want to talk about The Cats Den.

Okay, but I still don't get it. 

Ya, because I have not talked about it yet. 

Well hop to it Human.

Bossy boy.

You meant to say.. I am the boss.

Not even a little. 

So what do you think of the outside?

It`s a magical place that I only see from windows or through the carrier door on the wonderful trips to the vet.

Why is it Magical?

Because it's a wonderful place with fun and happiness! 

Fun and happiness? 

Yes I just said that. 

Says who?

Cubby.

Cubby told you this?

Yes.

Cubby lied.

Why would he lie?

Oh I don't know.. did you corner him?

Maybe...

So yeah, Cubby lied. We found him in a stack of tires when he was 4 months old. hungry and scared.

Really? I kinda feel bad for the old guy.

Now who is lying?

Ha, me! What is he now like 50? 

14

Close enough.



Okay, so back on topic. 
Cat's want to go outside.. but they do not want to be on a leash or harness because they are jerks at times. 

True Dat

I think it's wrong to let your cat roam around the neighbourhood...using flowerbeds as litter boxes. Stalking and killing tiny animals for fun. Causing issues with other animals. And just being a pain in the ass in general. 

Could we get some tiny animals? 

No.

I also fear other humans, and vehicles. 
There are some evil people out there that set traps, or put out poison. They just dislike cats or like causing fear and harm. 
Vehicles.. even unintentionally can kill a cat in a second by hitting them as the animals crosses the road. Even the smartest cat can get spooked and bolt onto the road. 
It is different if you live on a large property and there are no neighbours around, or the cat stays on the porch. To each their own, but I say cats are better off indoors. 

The wind in my fur, the warm sun on my butt..

Pay attention Sebby.

What? oh.. ya sorry..continue.

So how do I give my cats the ability to be outside? with the safety of being inside? 
Habitat Haven The Cats Den
( borrowed these images from their site without permission, I am hoping they do not mind) 

  

I think I am in love!

 


 Well my budget is more like this.










  How about we split the difference?






How about you get a job?

I can't! you wont let me outside!

Where do you get these things? 

You can check it out by clicking here. 


I was checking out the photo gallery. They all look so wonderful. You have to get us one now. If you don't I will call PETA.. unlawful containment. 

Really? I will dial, you talk. 

Mean. 

The age in question.

                                                                                                                       

Human                                                                                                                       Diamond

******************

How old is that cat? 

In our rescue we get asked a lot..

Our answer..

I have no idea. 

We get many cats who have been abandoned or dropped off in some random neighbourhood. So when they were born is a mystery. 

We leave that answer for the Vets to explain. 
_______________________

This is Diamond. She refuses to tell us her age. 

A girl never reveals her age!

Not even a hint? 

Okay, between 2 and 9

That is unhelpful. 

Oh, you wanted a helpful hint?

Sorry I can not. 

Why?

I'm a cat. We can't talk, nor do we keep track of our birthdays. That's a human thing. 

Oh. 

I saw the vet lady, what did she say?

Well there is a bit of confusion. You are either 1 and a 1/2, between 3 & 5 or 9. 

Who said between 3&5?

Dr Z.

I like her, she seems very smart. 

Who ever said 9 is just mean.

Okay, so 4? 

Yes, I will accept that. 

Well at least that's figured out. 

Now, where are you from and how many litters have you had? 

The answer to both is ... Cat. 

Huh? 

I'm a cat, we went over this already. 

It was actually a rhetorical question. 

Can we move on now? 

Sure. To what? 

Well I have a few questions. 

Shoot. 

What? No! 

It means go ahead and ask. 

Oh, humans have such a weird way of talking. Anyways...

When am I a senior ? 

7

Do I get a seniors discount ? 

Yes, as soon as you start paying for things. 

Touché. 

When will Echo stop trying to feed off of me? 

When she gets adopted. 

What if we get adopted together? 

That would be awesome.. But ya she may do that for many more months. 

Fabulous.. 

Anything else? 

Yea, why do you keep putting stuff in my eye? 

Does your eye hurt? 

Yeah. 

That's why. 

Oh. 


An update- Diamonds eye is much better
                     She has been adopted and going to her new home in a few days!
                     Echo was adopted with her!

  Wonder how old your feline is? Click here for a bit of guidance. It's best to ask your vet though.. they have skills.

First of many - Conversations With Sebby...Topic: We are not Dogs ( part 1)

                                                                                                      Human
                                                                                                      Sebby

You made me green right? I look good in green.

Yes.

You better have!

Clam it or I will make you Pink.

Pft I look good in Pink too.
I was kidding no pink!!!!!!

Behave then.

You're no fun.


Okay...moving on, today's topic?
HUMANS

Really?

Yes you must learn.. and your people need to learn.

Learn what?

Learn how to be better humans.

And you are going to teach us that?

Well, it has been left up to humans for this long and ..well...read the news.

Valid point.

They all are.

Not all.

You are entitled to your opinion. 

Anyways...moving on.. 

Tell us something we need to know.

Okay, first lets cover why Cats are not Dogs.
The cat is a delicate and graceful creature...

Yes absolutely, I watched you gracefully fall off the back of the chair the other day.

A human made chair. 
Now let me finish

Go on...

Cats, unlike dogs are not pack oriented beasts. We do not feel the need to make friends with other cats. We do not really want to make friends with random strange cats so please do not just put one in our face and freak out when we try to scratch the shit out of said kitty. 

But you get along with the other cats I have and I see you nuzzling the foster kittens.

Well, I have to live with the 'others' and you tell me how cute I am when you see me nuzzling the tiny fosters. Oh and we get more wet food when the fosters are here, so the 'others' and I decided it was in our best interest to play nice. 

So you can be nice, you just choose not to be nice with strange kitties?

There is no need to be nice to randoms. They do nothing for me. 

Okay, so what you are saying is that trying to introduce cats for no valid reason, other that because we just want Fluffy to say hi to Mittens is a bad idea?

It  is actually rather stressful to us. We feel the need to put on a front that we are fearless and mighty. When we really just want to go home and nap. 

So, when we have to take you to places like the Vet or maybe the groomers or for some reason we have to have you out with us, you would suggest to just leave you in your carrier instead of trying to mingle you with other people or animals?

Give the human a cookie!

Gee thanks Sebby, but I was already aware cats are snobs.

Hmm.. I could have just said that eh? Do not try to force your cat to make friends.. Cats are snobs. 

Maybe, but it would have been a rather short post.

True but you could fill it with pictures of me! I am awesome... 

Indeed.

Sarcasm?

No.

Good, wait was that sarcasm?

Maybe.

Luke was right, you are mean.

That's right, I am fantastic!

Click here to read up on kitty social structure  

Home from the vet

                                                                                                                            HUMAN
                                                                                                                            LAYA
                                                                                                                            LUKE

I often wonder if the cats I deliver to, and pick up from the vet tend to see me as a villain or hero? Or both.. maybe it's both. I abandon them, then I rescue them.

Lets have a conversation with Luke & Laya. They just arrived home from the vet after being fixed.

No really, we are totally listening!

We were never broken!

Technically, Laya.. you had a hernia so you were kinda broken..or at least slightly falling apart.

Touche... 
Well I wasn't broken..now I feel like I am missing something...

Balls.

What?

Testicles.

I do not follow..

They are a part of your anatomy that can turn you into a jackass.

Ha!

Mean.

And me?

Ovaries.
 Removal stops you from having the ability to manufacture tiny meows.

Awww..sad face :(

Well, first they would be in there for over 60 days... then you have to birth them. Then they feed off of you for 8 weeks. They demand your attention, crawl on your head.. bite your tail. Use you as a toy. Wake you from naps...oh then I take them away from you and they go to new families.

WTF
WHY..WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

Well Laya, it is a long story. Basically you do not have the money to afford these children.

Money? seriously..does a squirrel have money?
No, he has nuts... unlike your brother.

HAHAHA

Mean. 

Ok, so what you are saying is that in this world a mother needs to be able to support her children in order to keep them?

Umm.

Well...

Listen, you could have like 8 babies at once, then in no time have another 4 or 5.. then yet another litter not long  after that.

Er.. I would be the kitty version of the Dugger family ! pass.

Exactly, and not only that.. but you would have to care for all of these babies as they grow into adults causing trouble, getting lost, having their own babies, getting into things that could hurt them or even kill them.

NO NOT MY BABIES!

Or... they could end up at the Humane Society.

Is that a bad place?

The intentions are good, but there are so many animals in the shelter that finding homes for them can be very hard. Sometimes animals are euthanized because they just can not fit them in the shelter.
Other times a virus gets in and so many get sick.
It is not a good place for meows.
You all deserve a safe and loving home. A family to care for you and provide you the things you can not do for yourself.

I never mentioned going into heat.

Do tell. 

I can not explain what happens on the inside.. but on the outside you are a meowy freak that looks like a possessed contortionist on ecstasy. 

Sounds rather interesting...in a gumby on crack sorta way. 

You act like a horny hooker.

You take that back!

Sorry... a cat in heat tends to act like one.

Okay, so heat = not fun.

Exactly.

What about me? 

You are the jerk that impregnates the female.

Oh...

Regardless if it's your sister or not

Oh..EWW!

nap time

You don't have to listen to us. Read why it is good to Spay & Neuter by clicking right on these words..these ones right here...

What do cats think?

I have no idea.
I would like to know, but in the meantime I enjoy pretending that I do.
No I do not actually think I can speak 'cat' It's just an amusing thing to reply when people ask a cat a question.
We tend to speak to our pets like they actually have the slightest idea what we are saying.. why we are saying it or what we are saying it for. After all how dare we assume to know what these superior beasts are thinking!..At least that is what I think a cat would think...

My cat Sebastian, if he were to be explained in human terms would be that guy you love to hang out with because he is cool... but don't get on his bad side because he will punch..or in his case bite and scratch you just because he feels like it.

I will probably speak of him a lot. I have other cats, and I am constantly fostering kittens but Sebby is my bad boy.. my sweet little jerk.

Getting back on topic.. If tomorrow there were a machine that translated cats thoughts into words what do I think would be some of their comments?

Cat - "Seriously? that's what you are spending your time on? getting into my head? Dumbass."

         "So you went out eh, what? not enough time to go get me something? maybe a box? a toy? a damn straw!. Do I mean nothing to you???"

         "I saw you out the window. You were speaking with a person. Who is that person, does that person have a box? Maybe a dog? If he has a dog then forget it.. he must be stupid."

         "Thanks for leaving the TV on for me. Next time could you put it on the Aquarium channel? Yesterday I got stuck watching some stupid kardashihoneybooboo bullshit. I have a brain you know. I could call PETA.. it was cruel and unusual punishment."

          "I broke my box. I demand a new one. And a new mousey.. the last one vanished."

          "I know you have seen the state of my food bowl! I saw you go in the kitchen to feed your own face. Feed me, now. Feed me now!!!!"

           "Who is he? I can smell another cat on you! I demand attention right now, no you may not take off your shoes! no you ...STOP MOVING I NEED TO RECLAIM YOU AS MINE! I shall do so by rubbing up against you like this. Don't fight it or I will bite you like this!. I warned you. Never leave me again.. accept now, I am done with you..go in the other room."

          "Human, hey human...HUMAN!!!! ...hi, pet me."

          "OMG omgomgomgomgomg the red dot is back!!!!! its back!! look its back!! im so gonna catch it this time! friggen thing. Who does it think it is running away from me like that..well I guess its scared! I am all mighty and powerful and would destroy him..it...er whateverthefuck it is. Fuck, it's gone. Until we meet again evil red dot..."

          "What are you looking at? stop it. STTOOOPPP IT! asshat."

...............................
I tend to think they would bitch a lot.. seeing as they are a slightly snotty creature. Vulgarity would be rampant in their communications.
Speaking to humans would only be done as a means to get what they want. Sure there are a handful of loving sweet cats who may care what we think. On whole though I think that once a cat is an adult it starts to see the humans as the pets.


Since this is my first post I will apologize for the grammatical errors ...lack of proper punctuation ..and improper use of .....

I will still continue to type this way, I will just no longer apologize for it. :)

Adding pictures,gadgets, links and other blog type stuff...when I figure out how...
Consider this a dilapidated & dysfunctional work in progress.

Until next time...meow.